Spoilt Beyond Belief
by DemonChick344
Summary: In which our Cousland hero is not what was expected. How she survived the Blight and killed an Archdemon is anyone's guess. Shots of Samantha Cousland, not in chronological order.
1. Her Many Faults

**Summary: In which our Cousland hero is not what was expected. How she survived the Blight and killed an Archdemon is anyone's guess. Shots of Samantha Cousland, not in chronological order.**

**...**

Samantha Cousland's worst feature wasn't her ignorance of the world at general or her tendency to not listen when people were explaining important things. It wasn't the fact that she was quite gullible. It wasn't that when Sten questioned her right to leadership in Haven, Samantha had run around in circles, screaming at the top of her lungs and tossing flasks of deadly poisons haphazardly over her shoulder in order to defeat him. It wasn't the way how when she didn't get what she wanted her already large brown eyes would seem to become larger, her lips would quiver and her voice would plead with you until you caved in. It wasn't the fact that her father and mother had spoilt her beyond belief.

It was how she expected to be told a story each night, before she went to bed.

"It's because I don't sleep well, otherwise," she told Morrigan when the witch had asked.

Morrigan sighed in defeat and told Samantha a blood curdling story about a twisted monster that had stalked the Wilds, slaughtering anything that crossed its path. She finished the story triumphantly, and was completely surprised at what happened next.

"Aw, thank you Morrigan!" Samantha exclaimed, and hugged the witch before trotting back to the main campfire.

The swamp witch glared at Samantha's back.

**...**

Sometimes Morrigan just wished instead of the spoilt girl they had gotten a fearless warrior. She told this to Zevran once and he agreed with her.

"Yes, yes, you are right. But that would be a bit cliché, no? Readers might get bored."

Morrigan gave him a strange look. "The fumes from the tanneries have rotted your brain, elf."

He leered at her. "Yet I am still able to find beautiful women at every turn. Bam!" he clapped his hands together and smirked.

She sniffed and ignored him. Up ahead, Samantha was skipping along with her Mabari, Pansy.

Pansy was a male. Apparently no one had bothered to explain this to Samantha, but then again she probably wouldn't have cared. In a conversation with Leliana once, Samantha had revealed she had called her gelding Sparkles.

The foolish girl.

**...**

Samantha called herself a warrior, even though she wore leathers and used a bow. Whenever the darkspawn attacked, she would head for the nearest tree, pillar or large boulder, scramble up it and fire at the darkspawn. The first time she did this would always be the most memorable in Morrigan's mind.

Morrigan and Alistair were looting the corpses of the darkspawn. They did not notice Samantha clinging to the tree trunk for dear life, looking down fearfully.

"Alistair, Morrigan," she called out nervously. "Please, help me."

They looked over at her with a sigh.

"What?" Alistair yawned.

Samantha gazed at them both. "I'm stuck."

Morrigan felt like slapping herself or Alistair. The templar sighed again.

"You're only a metre above ground. Just jump!"

Samantha closed her eyes, the colour draining from her face.

"I might break my ankles," she whispered. "Mother always said I had wonderful ankles."

Simultaneously, Morrigan and Alistair turned on their heels and walked away from the girl. She howled for them desperately.

She jumped down from the tree, though.

**...**

Another one of Samantha's faults was that she was a complete flirt. She didn't flirt with _everyone, _she just flirted with a few. No one knew how or why Samantha decided to flirt with certain people.

"Hello, Ser Cauthrien," she breathed, staring at the brunette warrior. Ser Cauthrien stared at Samantha impassively, that huge sword held easily in one hand.

"Warden Cousland."

Samantha continued. "Has anyone ever told you what wonderful eyes you have? They are very piercing. You are so very beautiful. I love your hair. I am so glad you didn't hide your features with a helmet when you came to visit me."

Morrigan nearly retched.

"You killed Howe, didn't you?" Cauthrien asked. Samantha smiled slyly.

"I did. He deserved it though, killing my family and all. I took his journal. It says he found my dowry and spent it on an ornate chessboard and some vintage wine. That bastard. Should we go out sometime?"

"Hopeless," Anora muttered.

Cauthrien frowned. "No, we shall not go out. You're coming to Fort Drakon with me. Where is the bastard prince?"

Cousland flapped a hand, "oh, he's off sulking. And hey, going Fort Drakon is kind of like a date," she winked at Cauthrien.

Morrigan had to admire Cauthrien. Usually after ten seconds of Samantha's unwanted flirting, people were either trying to throttle her (like King Bhelen's right-hand-man) or run away (Like that spirit called Witherfang/The Lady of the Forest). Cauthrien had stood there the whole time, looking extremely bored.

"Do you surrender or not?" Ser Cauthrien asked. Her soldiers stepped forwards to flank her.

"No...yes...what will happen to the others?"

Cauthrien looked as though she might yawn. "They shall be released."

"Oh, cool. Having friends around kind of spoils the mood, don't you think?"

**...**

**Reviews please! And maybe some suggestions as to what Samantha can get up to next.**


	2. Recruiting in Gwaren

_**I just *had* to write a scene with Loghain and Samantha in it, after the Blight. And this is what happened! I've got another two or so chapters to this that should be up soon, so yeah. I love writing Loghain and Samantha. It's hilarious. Thanks!**_

**...**

Loghain remembered a time when his goals had seemed so simple. That, of course, had been when he was trying to drive the Orlesians out of Fereldan with Maric and Rowan. Now his goals were all mixed up – he'd saved the remainder of the army by leaving Cailan, his daughter's husband, to die. He'd announced himself regent and the Grey Wardens traitors.

Six months later he was duelling the very assassin he had hired to kill the remaining Wardens. The damned elf tripped him and thus won the duel. Then Samantha had conscripted him, causing the Royal Bastard to have a hissy fit and storm out of the landsmeet.

Now he was second-in-command of the Fereldan Wardens, and trying to rebuild them.

It was raining heavily, the wind directing the heavy drops into their faces. He and Samantha rode along the road, wearing thick cloaks with the cowls pulled over their faces. The hills ahead were black and ominous.

"Do you even know where we are?" He shouted over the wind howling and rain crashing onto the road. She looked up at him, cowl shadowing her face. He caught the brief glimmer of a smile before she shook her head.

"Nope."

Same old Samantha.

He sighed, water running down his nose and dripping off the tip. There was a signpost ahead, so he reined in his black charger and bent down to look at it.

"We're in bloody Gwaren!"

"Gwaren is not bloody," Samantha told him disapprovingly. "I ought to wash your mouth out with soap."

"Just you try."

She laughed. "It was supposed to be a surprise. I've heard there are some people here who might want to join the Wardens because you're a Warden now."

"Why would they want to do that?" he grumbled.

"Let's see. Because you used to be their Teyrn and they look up to you immensely, and choosing to join the Wardens is a whole lot more honourable that being conscripted – we should know, of course. I think I'll get some Knights – though I might have to conscript_ them_."

He glared at her, narrowing his eyes to see her through the gloom. "You will not conscript any Knight of Gwaren, Samantha."

She clapped her horse's neck. "Of course not, Loghain. I'm sure they'll see you and ask to join the Wardens straight away."

Which, of course, was exactly what five of the Knights did when they heard the Wardens had arrived in Gwaren. They were sitting in the tavern when the doors banged open and the Knights strode in. Joshua Cloudrest was at their head, a man of twenty seven with short black hair, dripping from the rain outside. He made a beeline for Loghain and Samantha, halting before them.

"My lord," he said, bowing to Loghain.

Loghain sighed, "It's just Loghain now, Joshua."

"I would like to join the Wardens," Joshua said. Loghain recognized the four other Knights with him – little Will Tavish, Alice Smith, Dan Springbrook and Liona Hart.

"Excellent," Samantha said. "Consider it don-"

"No!" Loghain hissed, banging his fist on the table. He looked up a Joshua, "you do realise you could _die _when you join the Wardens!"

Samantha gasped, and kicked Loghain under the table. "You idiot, that's _a secret_! Don't tell them anything else, or I'll have you flogged! That's my right as Warden-Commander," she told the Knights.

"Like what, how they can't have chi-"

"Fish!" Samantha said desperately. "Wardens can't have fish!"

Will stepped forward. "I don't care," he said bravely. "I want to join the Wardens. Sign me up, Warden-Commander."

Loghain sighed.

Somehow, she always got what she wanted.

_**Thanks to my reviewers; Ygrain33, mutive and Shoveler. You are awesome ;)**_


	3. Not Quite All There

_**Thanks for all the great reviews guys! So if you have any ideas of what Samantha can get up to next, just PM me or drop it in a review. Enjoy ;)**_

**...**

Duncan sighed, dumping an armload of wood onto the campfire. He straightened up and looked at Samantha.

"Look, I've just conscripted you, so you _have _to become a Grey Warden. It's the law."

Samantha sniffed, wringing her hands. "You conscripted me when I was covered in my father's blood. What kind of man are you? And besides, I don't want to go to Ostagar and become one of your Grey Wardens. It sounds ugly."

And with that, she burst into tears.

Duncan pinched the bridge of his nose, "but you said you could use a sword. Why don't you want to fight?"

It was all very confusing to him. Couslands were renowned for their bloodthirstiness, and on his deathbed Bryce had assured Duncan that his daughter would willingly join the Wardens and fight, yet here was a Cousland who did not want to fight. Maybe she had been adopted? Maybe Bryce had had another daughter that he had been talking about?

The Cousland girl blinked and stopped sobbing.

"I said I could use a sword. I never said I could use one _well_."

Maybe he should have gone to Orzammer or the Circle instead of Highever. It was too late now, though. She would have to do.

"Do you have a sister?" He asked the girl, hoping that there might be a sane daughter of Bryce Cousland. She glared up at him.

"We made an agreement. She sticks to her story, I stick to mine and we _don't_ do cameos!"

Maker, the girl was a raving_ lunatic_. He slept as far away from her as he could that night, a dagger under his pillow and his sword next to his bedroll. After all, it was always best to take precautions.

Especially when you shared camp with someone like Samantha Cousland.

**...**

Flemeth nearly howled in rage. The girl was so damn thick!

"You didn't read the treaties?" She hissed.

The girl looked taken aback. "Of course I didn't! They are Grey Warden property. My mother told me it's rude to go through other people's stuff."

"What is wrong with you? You are a Grey Warden!" Flemeth snarled. "You were allowed to read the damn things!"

The blond boy shook his head. "She's been trying to pretend it never happened – the Joining, I mean. Samantha thinks if she believes it enough, everything will go back to the way it used to be. No Blight, no dead king, her all tucked up safely in Highever with servants waiting on her and Pansy."

Pansy barked happily. Flemeth thought Mabari only imprinted on people of worth...so why had the dog imprinted on that fool of a girl?

Samantha smiled at the blond boy. "Thank you, Alistair. You're awesome."

Morrigan snorted, "How very foolish of her, to think such a thing will happen if she wants it to."

"I'm right here, you know," the girl reminded Morrigan, patting her Mabari. "But anyway, what were we talking about again?" she added quizzically.

Flemeth nearly killed the girl right there. She took a deep breath.

"This is impossible, that the future of Fereldan – and Thedas – should rest on your shoulders. Maybe I should just go and get the Hawkes from Lothering."

"Birds?" The blond boy asked.

Flemeth shook her head. "No, the Hawkes are a family in Lothering. There are two of them that I am interested in: Carver Hawke and Marian Hawke. The last girl, Bethany, doesn't really fit into the overall scheme of things. Of course, Marian is a powerful mage and very heroic. Carver is an excellent warrior. It is a pity they were never destined to be Wardens."

"What a name," Morrigan mused. "Carver. Though he is quite well muscled and handsome. And cheeky."

"Huh," Alistair said.

Samantha looked as though she had just made a great internal discovery.

"The future seems rather heavy, sitting on my shoulders. I hope it does not ruin my collarbones. They are my best feature."

**...**

"So you're saying Andraste is really a dragon and I should kill her, take her blood and then pour it on the Sacred Ashes of Andraste?" Samantha asked Father Kolgrim.

He nodded. "Yes, that is it. You must be very smart to have known that."

He made a gesture to his men and they started to clap and cheer.

"Aw, thank you," she smiled at him and turned around to look at Sten, Leliana and Morrigan. "Okay guys, you heard the man. Let's go and desecrate some Ashes!"

Sten glared at her, his forearms and chest covered in burns from the poison Samantha had thrown on him during their fight. Luckily Morrigan had been able to heal his worst injuries.

"You cannot be serious," he said. "You would believe this man? You are truly a gullible fool."

She beamed. "Well I am so – no Sten! NOOOOOOO!"

Sten drew Asala, strode past a horrified Samantha and beheaded Kolgrim, whose men stopped cheering and began to draw their weapons. There was a wet thud and the severed head landed on the ground and rolled towards Morrigan.

"Ugh," the witch said and gave the head an almighty kick, sending it flying through the air. Sten began to slaughter the rest of the men and Leliana shrugged, pulling out her daggers and joining in the fight.

Samantha sniffed, falling to her knees. Sten wiped Asala clean and walked back over.

"There," Morrigan said to Leliana and Samantha. "Your precious Ashes are safe until the next band of crazy cultists move into these caves."

"Oh, thank you," Leliana said happily, and went to loot.

Samantha glared up at Sten, "I hate you," she muttered.

The qunari glared down at her. "You are a shame to your race," he growled. "And you do not deserve that noble dog of yours."

"Oh yeah? Well he's imprinted on me, so just you try and take him from me," Samantha challenged.

Sten snorted in disgust and strode away.

**...**

Samantha was painting her dog.

"What are you doing?" Leliana asked, sitting next to Samantha and folding her legs.

"I'm painting Pansy's kaddis on," she replied, frowning in concentration. Alistair made faces at Leliana across the camp, mouthing 'ha ha'. Morrigan walked over to Alistair, saw Leliana talking to Samantha and began to laugh.

"I didn't know kaddis were pink..." Leliana muttered, giving Alistair a rude hand sign in return. Morrigan made a face and said something to Alistair, causing him to snort and giggle. Sten glared at them all.

Samantha shrugged. "Pansy loves pink, don't you boy?"

The Mabari barked happily, a big doggy grin stretched across his face. Samantha dipped her brush into the bowl of pink paint, painting a large thick line down Pansy's back. She then painted some pink swirls on Pansy's sides, finishing off with pink dots on the dog's head.

"There," Samantha said, satisfied. "Pansy looks wonderful, doesn't he?"

"Of course," Leliana replied. She'd been with them for a week, and she had realised that Samantha was not quite all there.

She should have realised from the start.

**...**

_**Thanks to my reviewers; mutive and Ygraine33**_


	4. The Dragon Horse

_**So I wondered to myself, 'what would Samantha do if she had a griffin?' I realised Samantha wouldn't need a griffin. She would create her own horrible steed. And this is how she would go about it.**_

No one knew how Samantha Cousland's mind worked. Not that anyone really _wanted _to know, but it would have been nice to at least know why she did the depraved things she did. Half the time she never had a reason. If she did have a reason, it was rubbish.

Like the poetry incident with Cauthrien last month in Denerim. But what was currently happening in Vigil's Keep mess hall was horrifying for Loghain and Velanna.

Horrifying for Loghain because he had not asked Samantha why she was making another batch of the 'Joining cocktail from Hell' as Sigrun had nick-named it, and now he was experiencing the result of that. Horrifying for Velanna because it involved her horse (not that she cared, but anyway).

"You fed that horse _what_?"

Sigrun was laughing and banging her fist on the table.

"I wanted to know what would happen!" Samantha retorted.

"That...Samantha, you shouldn't make horses take the Joining. It's..."

"Evil," Anders offered, playing with his earring. "Like kicking a puppy."

Loghain agreed wholeheartedly.

Samantha glared at Loghain.

"It wasn't the Joining, 'cos I didn't say the Ritual Words!"

They decided to go and look at the said horse, which was prowling around the courtyard.

"Are they...wings?" Loghain asked hesitantly.

"Yes," Samantha said triumphantly. "Now we don't need griffins, because we have Dragon Horses. I am such a genius. Wardens shall no longer be known as those 'griffin riding ponces', because we will be known as 'the Dragon Horse riders'!"

The horse had huge, dark red, bat like wings that it carried about proudly. Its eyes were a murderous blood red, long white fangs protruded from both jaws and Loghain thought for a second that he saw a long forked tongue flicker out and taste the air. It was a truly horrifying beast.

The other Wardens were standing behind them, shocked into silence. Samantha turned around, raising her arms into the air.

"Hear me, hear me! I, Samantha Cousland, noble Slayer of the Archdemon, have made the greatest discover in, like, ever! No longer shall the Wardens bitch about not having griffins, _for...we...have...DRAGON HORSES_!"

Oghren clapped. "Go boss!"

"Help me, Maker," Joshua whispered.

"That was my horse, you know," Velanna said idly to Nate.

Alice sighed. "What will the first Warden say?"

"He'll probably congratulate her," Will returned. The First Warden was foolishly indulgent of Samantha. He gave her money, power, armour, swords, more power...

Samantha whipped around. "And now I shall ride...where'd it go?" she asked, face falling.

The Dragon Horse was flying around above the keep, darting through the air, as agile as a swallow. It gave a strange neigh that sounded like a dragon's roar, and suddenly flames blasted towards them. Anders luckily stopped the flames with a flick of his wrist, causing the Wardens to flinch a little. Loghain glared at Samantha while the Dragon Horse neighed in triumph and flew northwest.

"You little idiot, Samantha. Now there's a bloody fire breathing, flying-"

"Blood sucking," Samantha added.

"-blood sucking Dragon Horse terrorizing Fereldan."

"I've had better moments, I admit," Samantha said. "Never mind. We'll just say a local crackpot gave his horse too much lyrium which was spiked with dragon blood."

All was quiet for a week. Samantha was perfectly sane. It was very strange.

Then the report came.

"I have some bad news," Samantha said, standing up at dinner one night. She whipped out a piece of rolled parchment and opened it.

"_Warden-Commander Cousland of Fereldan,_

_There is a horrid beast terrorizing Orlais. Already it had destroyed three villages with its horrid flaming breath. We ask you if you know of this creature because it came from the south, which is Fereldan. What on earth are you lot doing down there?_

_Anyway, all attempts to hunt and kill the beast have failed. One of my Wardens managed to get close enough to ask the beast a question, so he asked; "who created you?"_

_The beast laughed at him, and said; "you'd best ask Samantha Cousland __**that**__. I'm sure she knows."_

_Then it started to sing one of your horrible songs about war and Mabari and the Teyrn Loghain..._

_So I'm asking you who created the beast. Was it you? A blood mage? Please tell me, and if you did create this damn thing, then you can kill it._

_Sincerely yours, Senior Warden Louis Dubois of Orlais."_

There was silence.

"Have you replied?" Loghain asked Cousland.

She nodded. "Yes."

"What did you say?"

"I said I had no idea what he was talking about," she sat back down and took a sip of wine.

"And?" Nate prompted.

"What do you mean, 'and'? I just said; 'I have no idea what you are talking about you Orlesian crackpot'. What else was there to say?" she asked them, giving everyone at the table a puzzled glance.

Indeed.

"At least it's terrorizing the Orlesians now," Loghain grunted. "They deserve it."

Which they bloody did.

So they continued to eat dinner in silence, more than one Warden shooting wary glances at Samantha, who seemed to be thinking.

"I wonder what would happen if I gave a cat-"

"_No, _Samantha," Loghain growled. She sighed, playing with her food.

_**Thanks to my reviewers; Halogirl240 (three times!), notnahtanha, Ygrain33 and mutive. :D**_


	5. How To Kill An Archdemon

_**Thanks to all my readers and reviewers :)**_

**...**

No one knew how she did it. Well, no one outside of the party.

Samantha Cousland had killed an Archdemon and survived.

Right now she was giving an interview to a weedy looking man who wrote newspapers. Luckily she appeared to have not answered his question as to just _how _she had survived the Blight. Loghain didn't need people knowing about Dark Rituals he had been a part of.

"...and then Loghain stabbed it and it trampled around for a bit. So, umm, let me see – ah, here we go. Wynne cast a spell at it and then I ran in and shot it in one eye. Then I stole Loghain's sword and stabbed it in the throat until it was dead. Stab, stab, stab. So...can I dedicate finishing the Blight to Ser Cauthrien? You know, that I did the whole thing for her?" she smiled dreamily.

Loghain sighed and approached Samantha. Her short black hair was thick with blood and mud, while her leathers, once brown, were now black from being singed repeatedly.

"Samantha-"

She held up a bloody hand.

"Hold on, Loghain," she turned back to the newspaper man. "Write that, okay?"

She stood up and gestured for him to follow her.

"Yes?"

He grabbed her by the shoulder. "That was a very foolish thing to do. And leave Cauthrien alone, she has enough to deal with without your attentions."

"Whatever you say, Loghain," Samantha said, in a tone that suggested she would not do as he asked.

**...**

There was only one person who could ever make Samantha tell them the complete truth.

Her brother, Fergus.

"...and I've been drinking a fair bit, and Oghren gave me these mushrooms once and I had hallucinations. I've been to the Pearl a bit, as a customer and when I worked for them. Umm, Zevran told me sex poetry, and I told that to Cauthrien," her brother looked surprised and then he winked at Samantha, "and then a unicorn talked to me. Then I killed the Archdemon. Not in that order."

"Well now, pup," Fergus said. "You've been busy."

"Yeah, pretty much."

**...**

She had been made Warden-Commander of Fereldan, and given the Arling of Amaranthine. She summoned Loghain to her office late one night and showed him a piece of parchment.

"What? They cannot be serious!" He snapped.

"He's serious," Samantha said. Pansy was sleeping in the corner in a nest of red cushions. "The Warden-Commander of Orlais tried to order me to send you to Montsimmard. What a fool. There are only two Wardens in Fereldan and he wants me to send you to Orlais. By the why, you're now my second."

Oh, thank the Maker. This was one of her saner moments. He sat down opposite her and grunted.

"Does Alistair know?"

"Of course. He told me to make you go."

"And you said..."

"I told him to go do something impossible to himself with a spear."

"Ah. Thanks."

**_Thanks to my reviewers: Ygrain33 and sammi1318_**


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